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Spa Castle Premier Has Ugly Uniforms and No Green Juice, Internet Complains

Spa Castle/Facebook

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Spa Castle Premier 57, if you've been following its multi-year saga, is the ill-fortuned Manhattan sister spa to the equally ill-fortuned Spa Castle in Queens (where this winter a man was found floating unconscious in a hot tub). Despite fervid anticipation when the Manhattan outpost finally opened in December, it only took a month for the health department to shut it down for operating without a permit and safety plan. Five months later, Spa Castle Premier 57 has reopened, but judging by a new laundry list of complaints, the problems are far from over.

A writer who recently visited the spa has detailed her displeasure with Spa Castle Premier 57's offerings, and we've outlined her main complaints here, from best/worst to worst/best:

1. Not enough jets in the pool.

2. "Aggressive" music that is "the equivalent of being trapped in an MRI machine."

3. You have to be naked in the shower area (but come on, we already knew that).

4. You only get one towel "and it is to become your everything."

5. The provided uniforms "can be described as 'Florida retiree' and may give you flashbacks to Sear's school shopping."

6. The glassware used in the swim-up Aqua Bar "seems like an accident waiting to happen."

And finally, the best complaint anyone has ever had about anything, ever:

7. No green juice. Actually, there is green juice but "it's just cucumber and lemon," no spinach or kale.

Heartbreaking stuff! Shockingly, however, these complaints are nothing compared to the suffering of Yelp users, who write things like "Disgusting 'ghetto' and loud crowds here" and "They want this place to be a brohive where bros can go and be brotastic together to pick up women," and "Better off going to Spa Grand Central Station in waist deep water Castle at Flushing." Whatevs, we liked it fine enough.