Racked is no longer publishing. Thank you to everyone who read our work over the years. The archives will remain available here; for new stories, head over to Vox.com, where our staff is covering consumer culture for The Goods by Vox. You can also see what we’re up to by signing up here.
From the moment Primates of Park Avenue was published, it was already written in the stars: Variety reports that MGM has bought the movie rights to social researcher Wednesday Martin's tell-all about living among an elite group of Upper East Side moms, where she discusses things like wife bonuses (they're exactly what you think), the Olympic-level schmoozing required to purchase a Birkin bag, and getting a blowout while in labor.
Of course, movie announcements are made so far in advance of the actual film's release that they are good for one thing, and one thing only: Completely arbitrary casting speculations! Let's start with the obvious: Hollywood's bastion of tall, blonde, and inexplicably tan women, who can play any number of out-of-touch rich ladies: Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Blake Lively, Kelly Rutherford (who can simply reprise her role on Gossip Girl), and Gwyneth Paltrow (who can pretty much play herself). But let's be honest, all we really want from this movie is to see Kristen Wiig playing every single role.