This Interview With Karl Lagerfeld Reads Like an Existential French Poem

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Chanel creative director Karl Lagerfeld continues to prove that he is the human version of Henri Le Chat Noir. The evidence? This interview, which manages to read exactly like an existentialist French novel.

The Cut sat down with Lagerfeld at the Mercer Hotel, where he was staying for two days to present the Métiers d'Art show here in New York. He had far less to say on that matter than other, less relevant things, such as the fact that there is "nothing" to do in the city, that he is a fashion vampire, and his cat, Choupette, is the reincarnation of Old Hollywood icon Greta Garbo. Let's dive in. On y va.

Interviewer: You've been doing collections all over the world.
KL: Let's not exaggerate. The world is very big.

When the interviewer asks why he's done collections all over the world in varied places, he replies that he is "not into historical detail. We are into mood."

KL: Forget about your folklore. I can take a few inspirations, but I can certainly not do an homage. That's not my trip. I'm a fashion vampire. I take what I need and I leave the rest.

There's lots to dig through here. Namely, do vampires actually leave what they do not need? In the first Twilight movie there was that scene of someone's head getting completely obliterated, which seems unnecessary if vampires only need blood. We're getting off track. Let's continue:

Interviewer: So what are you going to suck out of New York?
KL: Nothing. I see nothing, I do nothing, I do everything from my room in the Mercer, working at my desk on things with Choupette keeping me company — I don't force her, by the way. She comes naturally.

Nothing to do in New York?! Nothing?! Karl, have you even heard of the Shark Boat?

KL: In fact, I don't even know myself. That is the big secret of the story. That there is no story. I see things in the middle of the night. I draw them on paper and I don't even think about it. I'm like a machine in a way — just made of some electronic stuff. Vaguely digital.

This just in: Karl Lagerfeld is a robot.

Interviewer: So you never go out?
KL: I imagine the world from my window ... Traveling, I think it's a nightmare today. The airports and things the people in the street with the selfies ... I like to stay at home and read.

This also just in: Karl Lagerfeld knows what a selfie is. Subhead: He hates them.

Interviewer: What are you reading?
KL: I will not talk about that. I like to read biographies, history, philosophical things like this. But it's for my private use, and not for making people say, Oh, how clever this stupid man is. I don't make intellectual conversation. I'm very superficial. I'm just a fashion designer. Fashion designers look at fashion magazines, right?

We should all learn from Karl Lagerfeld's expert ability to turn perfectly reasonable questions into an opportunity to make the asker feel like a total ass.

And finally, we get to Karl Lagerfeld's one delight in this world, his raison d'etre:

Interviewer: Tell me more about Choupette.
KL: ... She is like a human being, but the good thing is that she's silent ... She hates other animals and she hates children ... She is the center of the world. If you saw her, you would understand. She is kind of Greta Garbo.

Not "kind of like Greta Garbo." Choupette is kind of Greta Garbo. Never stop doing you, Karl.