For the kind of person who gets really into makeup tutorials and dressing their pets in elaborate costumes, Halloween is highly anticipated for showing off artistic talent and/or ability to come up with solid puns. But for the rest of us, it's that day where you dig through your closet in the hopes of finding something that can vaguely be construed as a costume an hour before the party starts, eventually settling on "person wearing a leopard-print coat."
That's why we've put together a list of stupidly easy costumes you can throw together like, literally right now. Bonus: They're all tied to NYC news items from the past year, so they'll impress even your snobbiest media friends.
Wear your sexy cat costume from last year, but cut the pointy ears into round ears. Carry around a dollar slice. Really, do anything but buy the pre-packaged costume.
Because everyone else in NYC will be dressed up as Pizza Rat, show how ~over it~ you are by going as the pigeon that was just photographed with a bagel around its neck, AKA this year's second best animal metaphor for NYC.
Cost: A human-sized bagel.
Millennial of New York
Wear a pre-distressed Nirvana t-shirt and then tell everyone it's your favorite because you "love Buddhism."
Cost: Your pride.
Taylor Swift leaving her Tribeca apartment
Purchase a pastel-colored matching crop top and skater skirt from your nearest incredibly fancy boutique. Pair it with Jimmy Choo oxford heels, knee-high socks, and a Prada bag that's held on the crook of your arm while carrying your roommate's cat to whom you've just slipped a Xanax.
Cost: Many thousands of dollars, plus whatever favors you're going to owe your roommate for temporarily stealing her cat.
Primate of Park Avenue
There are two ways to go with this one, the obvious being to dress like the Birkin-toting subjects of Wednesday Martin's book, Primates of Park Avenue. The other, perhaps equally obvious one would be to dress like an Upper East Side mom, but then add a gorilla mask.
Cost: $13,000 for the Birkin, plus going market rate for gorilla mask.
Dress in normal-person clothes, but just keep yelling "CAT??!! CAT!!!!!"
Dress in normal-person clothes, but every time you see a rat on the street, tell it to "Smile, baby!"
Malia Obama having the best NYC summer ever
Wear a romper and an oversized denim jacket or whatever cool teens are wearing by the time Halloween rolls around. Add an indie movie ticket stub, a receipt from your latest girls' outing to La Esquina, and an attitude like you've just landed an internship on Girls. Never mention your dad.
Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan museum-goer
Craft an early-1990's figure skating dress out of the 1980's prom dress you wore for last Halloween by cutting the skirt to a barely ass-covering peplum. Wear nude-colored tights and all the hairspray you have in your apartment.
Cost: Whatever you spent on Halloween last year.
Garbage Halloween costume pop-up store
Buy a bunch of garbage pre-packaged Halloween costumes from your nearest garbage Halloween costume pop-up store. Tape as many onto your person as will fit — if any fall off, leave them on the floor, it's fine. Cover it all up with a decaying, years-old banner that simply reads "Halloween Costumes!!!"
Cost: Somehow more than the marked price of each costume, but pay it anyway since the act of shopping at a Halloween pop-up signifies that you've already given up.
Passive-aggressive subway politeness ad
Dressed entirely in red, subtly mimic other people's annoying subway behavior — manspreading, bagspreading, nail-clipping — to shame them into politeness.
Cost: Going market rate for red bodysuits.
Disappointed art critic visiting the Bjork exhibit
Regardless of where you are, loudly voice your astronomically high expectations for the night, then when you get to your destination, yell out your snarkiest, most headline-worthy tirades about your crushing disappointment.
Cost: Definitely cheaper than the cost of actually visiting the exhibit.
Sarah Jessica Parker finding money
Your money is an energy that flows to Sarah Jessica Parker, who's been photographed not once, but twice bending down on a New York City street and picking up random money. To emulate this, simply purchase a pair of Manolo Blahniks and pair them with a pair of boyfriend jeans that look cheap, but aren't. Wherever you go, have your friends drop money behind them, then pick it up.
Cost: Like, a thousand dollars.
Kendall Jenner's graffiti'ed billboard
Don a midriff-baring Calvin Klein vest, then smear red lipstick all over your face. Try to make it look like a flying drone did it.
Cost: One Calvin Klein vest.
Zombie selfie stick-wielding tourist
Wear a zombie costume, then, with as little awareness to your crowded environment as possible, attempt to use a selfie stick. Bonus if you manage to physically injure multiple passersby in the process.
Cost: One selfie stick, and potentially some kind of lawsuit.
Times Square desnuda
Wear nothing. If you're shy, cover yourself with one of the many tabloids from over the summer that have headlines like this.
Cost: However much the Post costs nowadays.
Honor Tituss from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt's anthem by donning a burgundy turtleneck labeled with "Peeno Noir, an Ode to Black Penis."
Cost: A turtleneck.
Drunk mac-and-cheese bro
To emulate ex-UConn student–slash–bro legend Luke Gatti, simply wear sweatpants and walk into every restaurant you pass, shouting, "JUST GIVE ME SOME FUCKING BACON JALAPENO MAC AND CHEESE."
Cost: Expulsion from the University of Connecticut.
Sexy Gowanus Canal
Leap into the Gowanus Canal wearing a white T-shirt. When you emerge, it'll be likely covered in radioactive sludge, but also a little bit see-through. Sexy!
Cost: A third arm, probably.