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As New Yorkers can attest, the sole benefit of snowpocalyptic, probably-maybe-record-breaking blizzards is witnessing the absolute meltdown of all of the city's agreed-upon behavior—supermarkets are transformed into nightmarish war zones, replete with macabre scenes of endless lines and passive-aggressive side-eye. This, naturally, is best enjoyed from the comfort of your computer screens.
Below, we've rounded up the best of these microcosms that make up #Juno, the winter storm that will keep most of us quarantined until Wednesday, including someone calling someone else a "blonde witch," terrible kale jokes at Whole Foods Gowanus, and the heroes who used the snowstorm as an opportunity to stock up on Cornish game hens.
Trader Joe's, which is already mostly just one giant line, has managed to somehow be even more hellish:
Here is a video of that line:
The panic wasn't even just limited to this morning:
every trader joe's rn pic.twitter.com/v3lPKC8jft— Thrillist New York (@ThrillistNYC) January 26, 2015
It is basically American Horror Story multiplied by The Hunger Games:
American Horror Story: The Soup Aisle at Trader Joe's Right Now— Tim Federle (@TimFederle) January 26, 2015
THERE AREN'T EVEN ANY ONIONS:
The scene at Fairway Market is equally dismal:
When Manhattanites panic before a blizzard, #Fairway looks like this: (
Just let Frank Bruni explain it to you:
Express line at Fairway groceries curls back out of store and down an entire city block. New Yorkers r freaked--and prepping. #blizzard— Frank Bruni (@FrankBruni) January 26, 2015
But seriously, WTF Fairway?
How did Fairway get my number pic.twitter.com/aQCRrxVi2E— Mike Dang (@reportermike) January 26, 2015
Meanwhile, Whole Foods is full of a bunch of quitters:
Quitters who don't even have lettuce:
At least there's no shortage of kale jokes:
The great pre-storm Kale Panic of '15. (Yes of course, this is the Gowanus Whole Foods) pic.twitter.com/OS50ntIatK— Kat Kinsman (@kittenwithawhip) January 26, 2015
And there's plenty of vegan dumplings:
Whole Foods before a snowstorm is upper middle class Thunder Dome.— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 25, 2015
But by far the most nightmarish of all the grocery store hellscapes is the Park Slope Food Co-op:
Cannibalism and Lord Of The Flies-type behavior breaking out at #parkslopefoodcoop— Danny Hellman (@dannyhellman) January 26, 2015
Everyone really freak out: Tonight there was a line to get *into* the Park Slope Food Coop. Bread empty. Can't confirm seaweed chip supply.— Dave Benoit (@DaveCBenoit) January 26, 2015
Guys, DO NOT go to the Park Slope Food Coop right now. It's crazy in there. pic.twitter.com/ewDnotCFrV— Brooklyn Spoke (@BrooklynSpoke) January 26, 2015
It's practically a sociological petri dish:
can always count on a snowstorm in the forecast to see Darwinism in full effect at the Park Slope food coop— Sue Apfelbaum (@sueapfe) January 25, 2015
This guy knows better than to go down there:
If you need a #Juno spirit guide, however, just look to the city's bastion of smug, spandexed runners:
Today, all the runners be like "Gotta get in my run before I'm snowed in for 1 day." Meanwhile, everyone else is at Fairway food shopping.— Jess Underhill (@RacePaceJess) January 26, 2015
Or the heroes who are using the blizzard as an opportunity to stock up on Cornish game hens:
This town is so absurb, I love it. The folks I was online with at Fairway were buying Cornish Game Hens. Blizzard feast was in the works.— Jenny Gill (@nycjenny) January 26, 2015
Or these adorable snowmen in Madison Square Park, who are having the time of their lives:
Wherever you are today, just remember: at least you're not at the Park Slope Food Co-op.