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Noted cat biter, ex-convict, and otherwise perfect human woman Martha Stewart is opening up a New York City café, our sister site Eater NY reports. We only know one thing for sure: It will be located in the Starrett-Lehigh Building on Twelfth Avenue in West Chelsea, where the only other food options are at the lone, ground floor 'wichcraft. And that's it. We have so. many. questions.
Besides the obvious (When is it opening?! What will be served?!), here are the other questions we would like to formally pose to Ms. Stewart:
- What are the requirements for baristas? Must they be able to wield glue guns with swiftness and ease? Season a chicken while blindfolded? Construct a terrarium out of a shoelace and a stick of gum?
- Will Ms. Stewart ever descend from her throne upstairs at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, or will she pull a total Kardashian?
- How strong will the latte art-game be? Average? Like, a heart? Or medium-strong, like when they draw a swan? Or like, insanely strong, say, a latte with the face of Martha Stewart's Chow Chow, Genghis Khan II?
- Are animals who have never won the blue ribbon at the Westminster Dog Show allowed inside?
- What happens if someone accidentally treads dirt inside? Side-eye, a passive-aggressive warning, or eternal banishment?
- Will anything in the café be used specifically to throw subtle shade at Blake Lively and/or Gwyneth Paltrow?
- Theoretically, what would happen if Blake Lively were to open a Preserve Café directly across the street? (We're serious about this one. Please advise: firstname.lastname@example.org.)