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OMFG Kell On Earth is absolutely nuts. Bravo is back in the game—the series premier of Kelly Cutrone's reality show is as tense, hilarious, horrifying and illuminating as those early episodes that first made us fall in love with Project Runway. And with Jersey Shore on hiatus and TV junkies on the prowl for a new train wreck, this can only be a hit.
The show follows Cutrone, founder of fashion PR powerhouse People's Revolution, as she pounces from the loft apartment she shares with her daughter downstairs to her loft office full of claws-out fashion crazies. Last night we watched as she and her exhausted minions stuttered through the series of mishaps leading up to spring 2010 shows for David Delfin and Chado Ralph Rucci. It wasn't all business, though. Despite the drama there was plenty of backfired match-making, a visit from Ashley Dupree (and her mom!), and at least two employees who referred to Cutrone as a mother figure.
We could be presenting a top 20 list, the 45 minutes was that rife with crazy; but we're going to exercise restraint and our self-editing skills and keep it at ten. So, folks, the top ten moments of Kell On Earth episode 1:
10.) Kelly on hiring Andrew, her long-haired, goth, sometimes cross-dressing assistant: "I got really tired of interviewing blond girl after blond girl. 'Hi! I'm real excited to be here!' I just think, 'oh god.' So when Andrew walked in I was really excited?He was all in black and was wearing all this bondage jewelry and, I think he was wearing a skirt." Sick of mass-produced nodding blond girls in Tory Burch flats? Preach!
9.) Andrew is just as hilarious. On his wearing a sequined gown to the David Delfin show: "It's like the triple G: Glam, Goth, Grunge. Like, what I'm wearing has the power to completely entrance you! You are incapable of focusing on anything when I'm in your presence. It's mad powerful."
8.) Cutrone's love for Ashley Dupree is both funny and refreshing. Her response to one of Dupree's New York Post covers: "She looks hot. She looks like the person that would fuck your husband and ruin your life." And, on putting Dupree in the front row of Yigal Azrouël: "I didn't really think it would be such a big deal since half the people in a front row at a fashion show are sleeping with people for money. Sometimes they're just called their wives."
7.) She is just such a publicist. Some photographer tried to take a photo of semi-nude, probably underage models prepping for first looks and she kicks him out because he "can't play by the rules." After the show, desperate for a photographer, she finds the same rule-breaker: "It's alright, we're done, it's neutral, you get this shot for me, you put it up on your website and you get a clean slate and we start again."
6.) Hey, ever had a job in New York? Other Andrew's lament probably sounds familiar: "I left everything I had in California, a successful career—mind you—to come to New York and be called a retard. Supposedly living my dream."
5.) At least Other Andrew has pharmaceuticals. "I told you I have an Ativan?I'm not even kidding, it helps. You're only a pill-popper if you do it, like, when you're not stressed out. During Fashion Week it's fine."
4.) The entire match-making exchange between Cutrone and Andrew was gold. Cutrone on some guy walking down the street: "He has a big nose and big feet, I think that's a good start if you know what I'm saying" and "There are a lot of beautiful people in New York." Andrew's only response: "There are a lot of really ugly people in New York too."
3.) Cutrone's daughter didn't want to get all dressed up for the Rucci show because she wasn't seated up front and no one would see her. She's seven. Cutrone's motherly words of wisdom: "Don't cry about not being in front row. You're seven years old. Life's not fair, look around." Hear that, Tavi? Go home, you're missing your spelling test.
2.) Did anyone notice Cutrone's crazy, toneless witch cackle? We thought it most poignant when it was in response to someone else declaring that People's Revolution would be accommodating to crashers. "We're not going to be, like, door bitches or anything."
1.) And, finally, this is important to us and we couldn't agree more: "I know a lot of people use the word couture like Juicy Couture or 'Oh I have a couture dress.' Well, you really don't."