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Episode Two: Big Butts, Bare Butts, and Lots of Burlap

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Here's the latest of comedy writer Bonnie Datt's Top Ten Moments of Project Runway Greatness.

Jay's dress and Pamela's dress via Lifetime

It's week two of Project Runway, and to take advantage of the show's return to New York City, the designers visit a farm. In the country. Because nothing says "New York" like hay. The producers chose this setting because they've decided to bring to life the phrase "She'd even look good in a burlap sack," by having the designers create festive party outfits from burlap sacks. And in a shocking twist ("shocking" in that it took them this many seasons to do it), the models, who for this episode are the "clients," get to pick which designers they want to work with. Most of the pairings remain from the previous week, but Mila's original model throws her over for Jay, leaving a hurt and bitter Mila to be picked last.

The designers are allowed to spruce up their burlap sacks with ribbons, horsehair, zippers, buttons and other accessories. Many change the color of their burlap with dye. Anne Marie actually takes a potato from the farm and does a stunning potato print on her fabric. While most of the designers make dresses, Jesse creates a not terribly attractive pantsuit. Overall though, despite the many restrictions, the majority of this week's designs are significantly better than last week's, when the designers could basically do whatever they wanted. This does not bode well for the final collections.

Our judges this week are Michael, Nina and "American icon-model-actress-adventurer" Lauren Hutton. We like Lauren, and hate to beat a dead horse, but once again: Can't we get a real designer?

With a lot of great designs to choose from, the judges decide our top three contestants are Jay, with his striking black dress with its feather-like skirt; Amy, whose graceful dress, with tinted edges, somehow manages to find and emphasize the good qualities of burlap and the previously moping Mila, with her silvery, slutty, space-age dress. Jay is the winner. The bottom three designers are Pamela, whose burlap creation looks like a denim dress—a denim dress that makes its wearer's butt look enormous; Jesus, who decides to ignore the rules and covers up his burlap with other fabrics; and Ping who somehow didn't notice, until she got to the runway, that her dress failed to completely cover her model's butt. We weren't completely surprised that the judges chose to keep Ping, based on the "what else is she capable of" factor, but we can't imagine she'll be around much longer. We were shocked, however, when we realized that two-time bottom feeder Jesus, who completely ignored the rules, was going to be allowed to stay another week, leaving Pamela to be aufed.

And in our As Tears Go By count, Ping cries on the runway and Pamela sobs after her aufing, bringing this season's number of crying jags to five.

Now for this week's Top Ten Moments of Project Runway Greatness...

10). On the farm, Jay is the first designer picked. He celebrates by doing a cartwheel through what we can only hope is mud.

9). Annoyed with Mila's indirect insults, Anthony tells us, "Being courteous isn't an option for some people." Then, proving his own Southern gentility, he adds, "Mila can kiss my entire family's asses."

8). When Ping cries over her dress, her model tries to comfort her by saying, "I like it, Ping." We're guessing that in Titanic, her model related most closely to the musicians.

7). Michael is such a city boy that he gets confused and describes the fabric being used as a "burlap bag."

6). Heidi asks, "Do we want to see more from Ping?" We've already seen her model's buttocks, how much more is left?

5). When asked if she would feel comfortable wearing Pamela's design to an industry function, her model's shrug makes the Vichy French seem loyal.

4). Heidi, the show's expert on English as a second language, wonders whether Ping really doesn't understand what they're saying, or if she's using it as an excuse. At home, Seal starts questioning Heidi's confusion over birth control.

3). After Jay wins the challenge, he shrieks and jumps around with his hands in the air, much like Alice, the Brady's housekeeper did when she saw a mouse.

2). Ping tells Tim Gunn, "I know I'm intriguing," and wiggles her hips flirtatiously. Does anyone know the Chinese words for "Confirmed Bachelor"?

1). In next week's preview, Heidi asks the designers, "Would you like to meet some of the most iconic fashion designers of all times?" But fails to add, "Then you should have been on Project Runway three seasons ago."

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