Racked is no longer publishing. Thank you to everyone who read our work over the years. The archives will remain available here; for new stories, head over to Vox.com, where our staff is covering consumer culture for The Goods by Vox. You can also see what we’re up to by signing up here.
We don't like skinny jeans because they're unflattering on most body types, but perhaps there's another reason men should avoid drainpipe denim: the whole testicle-squishing factor. Via Denimology, we're pointed to a hilarious posting on Stuffed, a New Zealand site that, like The Onion, trades in fake news stories. The piece, which seems almost plausible, concerns a New Zealand teenager hospitalized for donned a pair of jeans so tight they cut off his circulation.
The only way that James could put on his new skin tight jeans was by jumping into the bath. Lathering himself up with soap and causing the denim to stretch during an estimated 30 minute ordeal James had on the tightest jeans imaginable. He then proceeded to drink a bottle of vodka with a friend and they both passed out in the sun Upon drying in the direct sunlight, the denim shrank back to the original size cutting off James’s circulation. The pain caused him to awaken from his alcohol induced coma 3 hours latter. His jeans were now so tight he was unable to walk or crawl towards the phone. James's cries for help were answered an hour later when an elderly neighbour came to investigate "a weird noise" "It sounded like the high pitch squealing of a bird in distress". The reason James’s cries went unrecognized was because the jeans also restricted around his testicles leaving him unable to call out in anything but a squeal.Though the article is purely satirical, it does bring to mind a serious question: Are super-skinny jeans just as bad for dudes' balls as hot laptops and long-nosed bike seats? The folks over at Cheap Monday are certainly hoping the answer to that one is no.
· Skin Tight Jeans [Stuffed]